Breathe a sigh of relief....
I have successfully completed my second year at college. So glad to have a break for a while. It is excited for me to watch as I grow into a stronger person through every semester at school. It's funny. When I was in my late teens and even into this past year of being twenty, I figured that I was about the person I was going to be. I was wrong. Since January, I have been amazed by how much God has honed me, changed my dreams, even shifting major tenets of my personality.
I have always been a very introverted person, content in my own world of words and characters, and I didn't really feel the need for people. That has changed so much. God has used these past few months of 2012 to give me more of a drive to experience life and not just write about it. I want to be in the world, meeting people, engaging with beings who bear my Lord's image, and while I still want to write about it, I also am way more motivated to do something with that writing.
One big leap for me this semester has been a shift in how I value myself. I've always been basically a straight A student. Even in college, I had a strong 4.0 GPA and for a while, that was one way that I considered myself of value. I was proud of that perfect score and it became an idol. Last year, I pushed myself so hard and stressed so much that there were times I couldn't sleep and was constantly getting headaches. I ended up finishing the semester with that 4.0 but was so mentally frazzled that I was barely functioning for the first two weeks of break. All I did was sleep basically and had little energy to do much else.
An amazing contrast to this year. I had two very difficult classes this semester but instead of freaking out, I kept putting them on the Lord. I prayed a lot and committed myself to not worry about the 4.0. If it stayed, great. If not, I was still loved just as much. I did not get that 4.0. I got an A- in one class and I was okay with that. There are still moments where my perfectionism pops it head up, but I just keep giving it to the Lord. Because of that, the day after exams were done, I was working around the house and helping my mom with some chores that I hadn't had time to do during school. I was busy, active, and felt awesome. By letting go of my idol, I ended up happier and more satisfied with my life then if I'd clung to it. When I trusted in God with my future, I had more energy left to serve Him and enjoy time with my family.
And guess what? I wouldn't exchange it for perfect grade for anything in the world. The A- taught me about trust. It's the best grade I've ever gotten!
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Riddles and Revelations
What, O Lord, do You desire?
Where am I to go? What am I to do?
What is Your will of me?
Before, I walked in a canyon
Straight, optionless
It was easy to find footing.
Now, I've stepped into the sun
Possibilities have exploded in front of me.
Where do I go now?
Which of endless options is the one You desire?
Why can't I hear You?
O Lord, I am waiting.
Crying
desperate for answers.
I don't understand
I need understanding
You are the light of the world.
Shed Your light on me.
Drown me in it.
Show me!
I will follow You
I fear the cost but I know You are worth it.
You will be there.
I will seek Your face.
I will knock all day long.
Badger
until You answer.
I am waiting, Lord...drowning in sunlight
Reveal the woman You have chosen me to be
Where am I to go? What am I to do?
What is Your will of me?
Before, I walked in a canyon
Straight, optionless
It was easy to find footing.
Now, I've stepped into the sun
Possibilities have exploded in front of me.
Where do I go now?
Which of endless options is the one You desire?
Why can't I hear You?
O Lord, I am waiting.
Crying
desperate for answers.
I don't understand
I need understanding
You are the light of the world.
Shed Your light on me.
Drown me in it.
Show me!
I will follow You
I fear the cost but I know You are worth it.
You will be there.
I will seek Your face.
I will knock all day long.
Badger
until You answer.
I am waiting, Lord...drowning in sunlight
Reveal the woman You have chosen me to be
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Waiting
Waiting...is hard.
Waiting for that special someone is even harder. When you've been raised to appreciate the value of marriage, it can be really hard to be content single. We all want to be loved and a lot of times, we let God know that we want to be loved NOW thank you very much.
But here is the thing we must never forget! We already are loved. As a Christian, you have access to the eternal, unending, ever enduring love of God. That is a love that died for you, that suffered for you, that is with you always. He realizes how much we desire to find a godly spouse and He knows the perfect timing for us to meet them. And now, then, and into eternity, His love will never change.
I think that makes all the waiting a bit easier.
Waiting for that special someone is even harder. When you've been raised to appreciate the value of marriage, it can be really hard to be content single. We all want to be loved and a lot of times, we let God know that we want to be loved NOW thank you very much.
But here is the thing we must never forget! We already are loved. As a Christian, you have access to the eternal, unending, ever enduring love of God. That is a love that died for you, that suffered for you, that is with you always. He realizes how much we desire to find a godly spouse and He knows the perfect timing for us to meet them. And now, then, and into eternity, His love will never change.
I think that makes all the waiting a bit easier.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Watching the Movie of Me
Who I am going to be?
Sometimes I feel like I'm watching myself, unsure of what I'm doing. Where am I going? What am I going to do/be/be like? Will I recognize the thirty year old/forty year old/fifty year old me?
How do I combine my passions: words and language and art with my family and faith? What in the world am I doing? Do I even know?
God, I'm so glad I'm not doing this without You. I'd be so very lost. I still feel lost but not completely. You have the answers even if I don't. You know what You are doing...and that is enough for me. The other answers will come when they are ready. I can afford to watch myself in uncertainty a little. He's watching me without any doubts at all.
Sometimes I feel like I'm watching myself, unsure of what I'm doing. Where am I going? What am I going to do/be/be like? Will I recognize the thirty year old/forty year old/fifty year old me?
How do I combine my passions: words and language and art with my family and faith? What in the world am I doing? Do I even know?
God, I'm so glad I'm not doing this without You. I'd be so very lost. I still feel lost but not completely. You have the answers even if I don't. You know what You are doing...and that is enough for me. The other answers will come when they are ready. I can afford to watch myself in uncertainty a little. He's watching me without any doubts at all.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
New Focus
It is so easy to live for ourselves. As humans, we think in terms of 'I'. I want to sleep. I want my free time. I want to buy me stuff with my money. But God is asking for so much more than that.
What if we actually started living for Jesus? That's hard to even think about. But seriously? What if we stopped thinking in terms on 'I' and started thinking in terms of 'Him'? What if everything we did revolved around pleasing and obeying a God who decidedly to love us for no reason other than He wanted to?
Do we realize how much of Him He has chosen to focus on us? We are chosen by God. Not a genii, not a nice grandfather, not a Clockmaker in the Sky. A God who is powerful, knows everything we've ever done, said or though, and active in the world. A God who hates sin, who is perfectly holy and pure, who is called the Consuming Fire, the Morning Star, the Lion of Judah, the Judge of the World. But also called The Good Shepherd, the Prince of Peace, and the Saviour of the World. That God, that same one, loves you.
Will we give Him leftovers of our time, the end scraps of every day?
Will you dare to give Him everything and watch the amazing ride He takes you on?
What if we actually started living for Jesus? That's hard to even think about. But seriously? What if we stopped thinking in terms on 'I' and started thinking in terms of 'Him'? What if everything we did revolved around pleasing and obeying a God who decidedly to love us for no reason other than He wanted to?
Do we realize how much of Him He has chosen to focus on us? We are chosen by God. Not a genii, not a nice grandfather, not a Clockmaker in the Sky. A God who is powerful, knows everything we've ever done, said or though, and active in the world. A God who hates sin, who is perfectly holy and pure, who is called the Consuming Fire, the Morning Star, the Lion of Judah, the Judge of the World. But also called The Good Shepherd, the Prince of Peace, and the Saviour of the World. That God, that same one, loves you.
Will we give Him leftovers of our time, the end scraps of every day?
Will you dare to give Him everything and watch the amazing ride He takes you on?
Thursday, March 8, 2012
His Beloved Failure
Fail.
Why is it so hard to.... (fill in the blank) eat healthy, exercise regularly, keep my thoughts pure. I know from being taught and from personal experience that sin doesn't pay off. It feels great for a second and then, I feel depressed and yucky because I failed...again. Staying healthy is the same thing. I feel so much cleaner, stronger, better in everything when I eat right and exercise and yet, so often I take the extra cookie or two or three anyway.
How come we always feel sorriest after we've sinned? I'm often discouraged by how I think about or care about the consequences of my actions beforehand. I'm sorry after. How come I can't pull that forward and prevent the yuckiness?
But, totally amazing, there's one thing stronger then my depressed blah feel. Christ's love. He knows EXACTLY how many times in my life I will look at sin and pick it anyway even though I know it won't pay off. He knows every time I don't take care of my body like I should. He knows all of it and He still looked at me from the beginning of time and said: 'I want her to be Mine.' That makes me want to never sin again. God picked me! God loves me! And I repay Him with disobedience and half hearted affection. What a miserable Christian I am, but oh what an unbelievably gracious God He is!!
Why is it so hard to.... (fill in the blank) eat healthy, exercise regularly, keep my thoughts pure. I know from being taught and from personal experience that sin doesn't pay off. It feels great for a second and then, I feel depressed and yucky because I failed...again. Staying healthy is the same thing. I feel so much cleaner, stronger, better in everything when I eat right and exercise and yet, so often I take the extra cookie or two or three anyway.
How come we always feel sorriest after we've sinned? I'm often discouraged by how I think about or care about the consequences of my actions beforehand. I'm sorry after. How come I can't pull that forward and prevent the yuckiness?
But, totally amazing, there's one thing stronger then my depressed blah feel. Christ's love. He knows EXACTLY how many times in my life I will look at sin and pick it anyway even though I know it won't pay off. He knows every time I don't take care of my body like I should. He knows all of it and He still looked at me from the beginning of time and said: 'I want her to be Mine.' That makes me want to never sin again. God picked me! God loves me! And I repay Him with disobedience and half hearted affection. What a miserable Christian I am, but oh what an unbelievably gracious God He is!!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Me = Decrease
So stinking nervous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had a interview yesterday for a job at the Writing Center here at school. I want this job SOOOO badly! Its right on campus, so super convenient, and its all about writing! Its like the dream job for a writer!!!
I hear back today if I got it and my stomach literally feels twisted in knots. This is such a huge deal for me, its hard to trust God with it! The walk from art class to a computer (basically across campus) was the longest of my life until I could check my email for the millionth time. It has been a long day...
But when I really get tensed up, that's when I start telling myself to trust. This job would be amazing, but there are so many bigger things in my life. If God can handle my entire life plan, I think He's got my interview. That doesn't guarantee He'll work it all out the way I want but whether I get this job or not, it will be HIS will. If I do, then I can get to know my fellow mentors and other students to the glory of God. If I don't, I can have a joyful attitude and start looking for another job to the glory of God!
I think John the Baptist said it best when confronted with the fact that his followers were leaving to go follow Jesus instead: "He must increase but I must decrease."
I had a interview yesterday for a job at the Writing Center here at school. I want this job SOOOO badly! Its right on campus, so super convenient, and its all about writing! Its like the dream job for a writer!!!
I hear back today if I got it and my stomach literally feels twisted in knots. This is such a huge deal for me, its hard to trust God with it! The walk from art class to a computer (basically across campus) was the longest of my life until I could check my email for the millionth time. It has been a long day...
But when I really get tensed up, that's when I start telling myself to trust. This job would be amazing, but there are so many bigger things in my life. If God can handle my entire life plan, I think He's got my interview. That doesn't guarantee He'll work it all out the way I want but whether I get this job or not, it will be HIS will. If I do, then I can get to know my fellow mentors and other students to the glory of God. If I don't, I can have a joyful attitude and start looking for another job to the glory of God!
I think John the Baptist said it best when confronted with the fact that his followers were leaving to go follow Jesus instead: "He must increase but I must decrease."
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